Catalyst and My Ironic Resistance to Change

Catalyst...

That's a strange word, isn't it? It just looks funny to me. I'm not a fan of words that "look funny." It's this strange obsessive-compulsive thing I have going on with some (not all) things. One of those hang-ups is with words...they have to "look right." It makes me physically uncomfortable to look at strange-looking words. Weird, I know, but it's one of the many "oddities" I possess. Even with this silly hang-up, this is the very word that God has been speaking to me over the past couple of weeks, and I'm really beginning to like it.

Here are the definitions I found for the funny-looking word "catalyst":

1. Chemistry. a substance that causes or accelerates a chemical reaction without itself being affected.

2. something that causes activity between two or more persons or forces without itself being affected.

3. a person or thing that causes a reaction and precipitates change.

4. a person whose talk, enthusiasm, or energy causes others to be more friendly, enthusiastic, or energetic. 

Sadly, we have only been fortunate enough to go to the Catalyst East conference in Atlanta back in 2004. This was during the same time that my husband dyed his blonde hair hot pink because our students had won a challenge he posed to them. We enjoyed laughing at all of the strange looks he received during that trip. But I digress...

I was checking out the website again today because we are thinking about going to the Catalyst West conference in Cali. Because God has been speaking this word to me over the past few weeks, I felt prompted to click "What is Catalyst?" on the website. Here's what it said: "Catalyst is here: a conference that inspires next generation church leaders to be agents of change."

WITH THIS ONE FUNNY-LOOKING WORD, THIS IS WHAT GOD HAS BEEN SPEAKING TO ME!!! Through all of my ironic resistance to change, God is calling us to BE the agents of change where he has now placed us! Do I want to be in the new place? I think you already know my answer. Not too thrilled about it. But my husband and I can now impart and implement what we have learned from the awesome place we were in order to be the agents of change where we have now been placed. God's bottom-line desire is for people to know Him. How can they even come close to knowing Him if they view the church as being irrelevant to today's generation and stay away at all costs? 

We still have many questions, but our purpose is now becoming clearer...

Seasons of Change & Loneliness

It's a lonely time in my life right now. If you have been in ministry for any length of time, you know this to be true. There are so many things I can't wrap my head around. I can't even pretend to understand. I just know that I am at a point in my life, in our ministry, where it is lonely. 

Over the past few weeks, I have felt...

• Abandoned

• Betrayed

• Lost

• Bewildered

• Confused

• Deep pain

• Loss

• Frustration

• Bitter

• Angry

• Alone

• Suffocated

• Back-stabbed

I could go on, but you get the idea. Being in ministry is hard. You can only understand this if you are in ministry yourself (or have been in it at some point in your life). I know there's a way out of the fog. I'm just immobilized by the sting of apathy and I can't get up. I hate that we're going through this...again...and at a place we really loved. 

Here are some questions I'm asking myself:

• Where will we go next that could possibly compare to where we were? It seems as though we went from the worst possible organization of a church to the best. So now what?

• Will this happen everywhere we go?

• Is there a leader out there--anywhere--who will "get" my husband's laid-back personality traits and view that as something valuable? 

• Will we have to endure the seemingly "normal" 6-month trend again of students not accepting the change in their leadership?

• Is ANYONE thinking of the students in all of this?

• Why is it so hard for me to accept that God is changing our course when I know that He has the best plan for us?

• Will I ever have stability in my life? I hate moving. I don't want to move...again.

• What's the point in pouring yourself into relationships with people if they're only going to get ripped apart by circumstances such as we have faced?

• Why won't the pain relent?

• Why are we having to go through this again so soon? It seemed as though we were just getting to a place of healing, and it happened again. 

• How do I answer people's questions? We did nothing wrong, yet the way our situation was handled it would seem otherwise?