Seasons of Change & Loneliness

It's a lonely time in my life right now. If you have been in ministry for any length of time, you know this to be true. There are so many things I can't wrap my head around. I can't even pretend to understand. I just know that I am at a point in my life, in our ministry, where it is lonely. 

Over the past few weeks, I have felt...

• Abandoned

• Betrayed

• Lost

• Bewildered

• Confused

• Deep pain

• Loss

• Frustration

• Bitter

• Angry

• Alone

• Suffocated

• Back-stabbed

I could go on, but you get the idea. Being in ministry is hard. You can only understand this if you are in ministry yourself (or have been in it at some point in your life). I know there's a way out of the fog. I'm just immobilized by the sting of apathy and I can't get up. I hate that we're going through this...again...and at a place we really loved. 

Here are some questions I'm asking myself:

• Where will we go next that could possibly compare to where we were? It seems as though we went from the worst possible organization of a church to the best. So now what?

• Will this happen everywhere we go?

• Is there a leader out there--anywhere--who will "get" my husband's laid-back personality traits and view that as something valuable? 

• Will we have to endure the seemingly "normal" 6-month trend again of students not accepting the change in their leadership?

• Is ANYONE thinking of the students in all of this?

• Why is it so hard for me to accept that God is changing our course when I know that He has the best plan for us?

• Will I ever have stability in my life? I hate moving. I don't want to move...again.

• What's the point in pouring yourself into relationships with people if they're only going to get ripped apart by circumstances such as we have faced?

• Why won't the pain relent?

• Why are we having to go through this again so soon? It seemed as though we were just getting to a place of healing, and it happened again. 

• How do I answer people's questions? We did nothing wrong, yet the way our situation was handled it would seem otherwise?

Soon to come: Baking subjects--but for now, I have a lot of questions

Today was the first Sunday that my husband and I did not go to our (former) church. That sounds so weird to say...our "former" church. Out of all the churches we've ever been to in our lives, that one has felt the most like home. And yet, due to our unfortunate circumstances in ministry, we have been forced to go elsewhere. And so today, we did.

On the way to this new church we were to visit, we had to pass by our old church. Normally, my newly-turned 2-year-old would say, "We're at churchhhhh!!!" and he would proceed to say the name of our former church with excitement...he loved it there and he would talk about going all week long. Today as we passed, my husband tried to stay in the lane farthest from the church so his view would be blocked by other cars, and I said something to try to distract him. Heartbreaking, but it worked. I saw familiar faces in the parking lot...we drove on in silence.

We finally arrived at our destination. Walking into the building, I couldn't stop my brain from asking the questions that kept popping into my mind..."Why are we here?"  "Why can't we just be where we were?"  "What did my husband do to deserve to be forced out of his position where he was making a difference in so many students' lives?"  "Could we have done something different to have prevented this from happening?"  "Why did it have to end this way...again?" I almost burst into tears at different times during the service because I kept thinking of the unfair situations that led us to this point (seriously, you wouldn't believe the details if I told you--you would think I was making it up!). Sitting there with all of those questions floating around in my mind was making me madder and madder...I finally bit my lip to keep from sobbing. I saw my husband looking at me and later commented, "You need to watch your facial expressions...you looked like you had an attitude in there."  He didn't have a clue of what was going on inside.  

On the way home, he asked me the inevitable question:  "Well, what did you think?" What did I think? Did he really just ask me that?? Didn't he know what I thought?? I lost it...the tears that I had tried to suppress during the service came rolling down my cheeks in the car and I asked him to just stop. I didn't want to talk about it. I hated being there. 

I don't understand a lot of things. Like, for example, how an architectural structure gets put together from a lot of unrelated pieces. I don't understand how a deaf composer can put together some of the most beautiful pieces of music the world has ever heard. Or how musicians can play together in harmony to create an amazing song. I don't understand the intelligence of the people who create computer software programs and all things technical. 

And yet, even in my lack of understanding, I still enjoy all of those things as a result of other people's knowledge, talents, and hard work. I believe that God works the same way in our lives. Even though we may not understand how He works or why things happen the way that they do, I trust Him with my life to know that He has the knowledge, the talent, the glory, and the power to do "exceedingly abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine." 

So even though I feel more like punching out some people rather than loving them, I know I will enjoy the end result of my refined faith. Without it, it is impossible to please Him, right? As I wait patiently for God to unfold the next chapter in our lives, I rest in knowing that the pieces of the puzzle will eventually come together. In the meantime, I'm still trying to hang up my boxing gloves...